He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
