When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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