I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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