I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
