If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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