I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
