i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize