YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
