Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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