Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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