im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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