You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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