why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
