I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
