I cut my penus on the lid.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
