My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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