don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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