Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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