I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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