peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
