gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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