he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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