I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Are these your boobs on my camera?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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