I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
