but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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