I got chris browned last night
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
