He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
