***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
