oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I forget how to act sober
Randomize