Say something about gay babies.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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