Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Dicks are not precious.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
