shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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