If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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