I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
