I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
