this beer tastes like vomit already
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
time to smoke my breakfast
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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