im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
