I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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