Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
