sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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