i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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