I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
