She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
