Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
