well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
