I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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