Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
