Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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