Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
