I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
