My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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