she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
