I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
