The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
